....and it wasn't even the quads........

"how to pick dudes up" - by beth newell
a step-by-step manual and play.

• step one: put on a skirt
• step two: wait on platform of bart. when train starts coming impatiently rock up and down on your toes or roll your ankles, effectively flexing your sick, muscular calves.
• step three: half make eye contact with semi-questionable-cute boy on bart.
• step four: don't make any effort to converse and leave at your destination stop
• step five: walk to location to meet friends, who are not there yet. lean on bar, waiting for them to arrive
• step six: semi-questionable-cute boy from bart will shortly arrive, cause who could stay away from those calves?! acknowledge his presence by avoiding eye contact.
• step seven: wait at bar, waiting for bartender to serve you...but quite nonchalant, because you are really in no rush to drink, as your tolerance is one drink.
• step eight: semi-questionable-cute boy from bart (from here on out, referred to as bart boy) will pick up on your clear signal, come to bar, make conversation, and buy your drink. (or in this case get a free drink for the both of you cause he knows the bartender) say thank you. feel obligated now to half attempt to make small talk. [see play below]

curtains

beth: so do you like living by the lake? blah blah blah. you had your bike with you ; do you bike a lot?
bart boy: uh, around town and stuff. i can tell by your calves that you bike a lot.
beth: [becomes uncomfortable at such a comment, yet also feels a sense of accomplishment that she picked someone up from her calf muscles....yet, despite such flattery, she is just skeezed out.] uh, yeah.
bart boy: blah blah blah blah. sit down here. blah blah blah
beth: yeah okay, but i am meeting my volunteering friends for a goodbye party, but they aren't here yet, but will be here shortly, so i need to keep my eye out.
bart boy: blah blah blah. well, i am an artist. blah blah blah. and that means i am blah blah blah blah. blah blah blah blah blah.
beth. yeah. [internal monologue: done....]
bart boy: blah blah blah. well, i hid my bike out in the alley, cause i really don't have money for a lock right now. blah blah blah. and can you believe i've had three bikes stolen? blah blah blah. blah blah blah.
beth: [and done.] (enter familiar face) oh, hi allison! (to bart boy) nice meeting you-- looks like my friends got here! thanks for the beer!

scene close.

theme: although your cut calves may attract people to you, they are most likely not worth your time. although, perhaps you might get a free beer out of the deal, which you can nurse all night.